Humbled

Sometimes I hate being the new kid on the block. It seems like I'm always trying to put my best foot forward. I want people to like me, so naturally, I don't want to show them the nasty sides of my personality. The problem is, I just so happen to be one of those people that have many repelling qualities; let's just say I'm an acquired taste. At home it's easier, people know me; they understand that I'm too opinionated for my own good. But here people don't know my heart, they don't understand that I have many great qualities, they just might have to dig a little to find them. For the record, I really do try to keep my mouth shut; I want so badly to be a person that has a quiet spirit, but for some reason the desire to speak my opinion over runs my desire for meekness every time. The only reason I bring all this up, is to share why I left Bible Study with a heavy heart today. I go to a Thursday afternoon Bible study with some other missionary women, and I love it. The wisdom of these ladies amazes me; they have helped me through many sad days. Today I went to Bible study with the best of intentions, but as we were all discussing our lesson, an opinion was shared that I didn't necessarily agree with. If I would of kept my mouth shut no one would have been the wiser, but for some reason I decided to ask questions so that I could better understand what they were saying.... that was mistake number one. Mistake number two came when I decided to share my own opinion. Mistake number three was the rebuttal I made after my opinion was disagreed with. I didn't want to win them over to my side, I was just trying to explain my way of thinking. My mom says when I am trying to defend myself I am intense and sometimes abrasive. Mistake number four I was intense and somewhat abrasive. I left that Bible study wishing I could have taken everything back. Does anyone else put their foot in their mouth as much as I do? Is it pride that makes me feel I need to share my opinion with everyone? I wish I knew why I did this, because maybe I could stop. I fear I have tarnished my very new reputation here, and that hurts my heart more than I can express. No one was mean to me or said anything about it (they are all too nice for that), I just left knowing I had made a fool of myself and I felt about two inches tall. I remember Beth Moore saying that anything that humbles us is good for us. I am humbled, but it doesn't feel good. I have to remember I serve a forgiving God and that, “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1, NIV) Praise God. I just got done instant messaging my mom and I feel a ton better. I am still a struggling sinner just forgiven......thanks mom for reminding me of that.

Stardom

It has been a pretty busy week here in Kisumu. My kids have been involved in a children's crusade that our friends (Daniel and Lindsay) put on. Cassie and Zach and two other kids (Paul and Dani) did the puppet show portion of the crusade. It was so much fun to see them excited about ministry, although by the end they were all pretty wiped out. It's amazing how many people attend outdoor crusades here. The first afternoon there were about 2,000 people and that number grew as the days went on. The kids were pretty scared that first afternoon, they thought they were going to be doing a little puppet show for some church kids. When we arrived at the sport grounds we were all shocked to see the crowd. I was proud of them as they went up on the stage, I don't know if I would have. I thought for sure Paul wasn't going to go up. He looked at me, right before he climbed the stairs, with terror in his eyes. I patted him on the back and said, "you'll do great." He followed the person in front of him until he ended up in the puppet booth. I like to think that my three word pep talk gave him the courage to go forward, but I somehow doubt it. After the first night was over they were old pros, no sweaty palms or butterflies in there tummies any more; they were famous, who has the time for nerves. As the days progressed and the crowds grew, the puppet masters got a taste of fame, it was reminiscent of Beatlemania. Kids screaming and chasing them, they had to be escorted to their vehicle, and once safely inside, the driver made a mad getaway. They just want to live normal lives, it's stressful living in the limelight. They, like everyone else, put their pants on one leg at a time. They never asked for this kind of fame, but they'll ride this wave as long as it lasts. After all they are at the top of their game.

Our big blue dream has turned into a big blue nightmare. For those of you that don't remember "Big Blue" was the name of the car we were trying to buy. As it turns out we tracked down the owner in Florida (an American missionary) and he had no idea his car was being sold for the price that the dealer was selling it to us for. I don't want to say the dealer was going to steal anything, but I'm so glad the Lord brought this all into the light before we wrote a check. We are back to car shopping, I think we might have one in the works, but I have learned that in Africa one can never be too certain.

In just a little over a week I will get to see my parents and my in-laws. We are all giddy with excitement. That is all we ever talk about, it will be here before we know it. This week is going to be a week of getting rooms ready and planning meals. I hope they like the cuisine, it does take a little getting used to.

The Masai

We battled another bat last night. Cass was the one who spotted it in our living room, she quickly found the man of the house and told him about the flying rodent that was trapped in our home. Tom didn't yell, "every man for himself", but it would have been appropriate with how quickly he fled and shut himself in the back room. I have no room to talk, I got myself under my mosquito net and wouldn't come out. Zach, ever the thinker, went to seek help. He knew with both parents shaking in fear there was a good chance we might turn the house over to the bats and seek alternative refuge. Zach's solution was to bring in the big guns, he called upon the Masai (Julius). For those of you who don't know, The Masai people are a tribe in Africa that are known for being fierce warriors. In order to become a Masai warrior you have to kill a lion with a spear, let's just say Julius has killed two. People in Kenya use Masai as guards because all the other tribes are scared of them. Julius came into our house in a flash and was prepared for battle. He was armed with only a Masai blanket, but the way he twisted it, it became a lethal weapon. He ran after that bat like it his life depended on it; like he had a score to settle. He did some ninja moves that we aren't likely to forget in this lifetime. Zach had given Julius a job to do and he wasn't going to stop until the bat was gone, or my house was trashed (which ever came first). At one point, Tom emerged from his hiding place in the back to see what was happening. The bat seemed to have "Tomdar", he immediately locked onto to him and flew straight for his head. I'm pretty sure that was the point when I heard a high pitched scream come from the man I love, followed by the sound of running and the door slamming ( this is all speculation, seeing as he won't admit to anything ). I don't blame him for not admitting to it, how does one explain to a warrior that a little bat makes you run in fear. Julius looked at Tom with the obvious disgust of one who has gone up against much larger game, Tom trying to hang on to his last sherd of dignity stated the obvious, "I just don't like bats." Enough said, no further explanation needed, the Masai went back to work. A few minutes later Julius was victorious, He held the bat in his hand and offered us his kill. I felt like it was pretty obvious that we did not wish to keep the bat, alive or dead. Maybe he was being nice, thinking that we could stuff the bat and keep it as a symbol of bravery, we could boast of our great hunt to all who came over (conveniently leaving out some important details). Maybe he was just trying to show us that what made us run in fear was a tiny rodent with large wings. Whatever the reason we declined our bat trophy and are once again a bat-less house....at least for now.

Photo Journal

NATALIE'S BIRTHDAY

Nattie finally has some toys!!!

Sam wanted in on the action.

Can't have a birthday without friends.

FRIENDS

Daniel and Lindsay

Cassie and Lindsay

Cooking with the girls, Beatrice and Tinny

Volleyball in the back yard

Natalie Made Daniel a hat for his birthday

Our Kids are helping with a puppet show for a children's crusade

Natalie has a new friend for two weeks while he is here with a team

Blessing

This Sunday we had a BBQ for a team that is here on a short term missions trip. They came from Holland and California and were mostly college students. We had a lot of fun, the kids played volleyball and had a great time (probably because they won). We had a time of worship and sharing. One of the neatest things about having teams over is hearing what Kenya has taught them. The thing I'm always amazed by is most people come here to minister to this country, and leave with this country ministering to them. There is a lot of need here, but in seeing that need it seems that blinders are lifted and people never can go back to their old way of thinking. I think it is a realization that in the west we are so blessed, and yet we take it for granted. The one thing that you have to be careful of when your blinders are lifted is not to become cynical of the west. There isn't a perfect country in all the world; they all have faults. But, to not recognize that we were born into a life of privilege is a tragedy. I was given a free education, and had police service to keep my streets safe. I remember when I was in high school, there was a measles epidemic and, guess what, I was given a shot free of charge just to prevent me from getting sick. I was born into a country that when you get into a car accident you can call an ambulance just by dialing 911. I was born into a country that I can count on my fingers the number of times the power has gone out, and I can honestly say, I don't think I ever remember the water being shut off city wide. I could have applied for grants and loans to continue my education and if that wasn't enough, I could have worked for minimum wage and gotten any number of job offers. I was born into a pretty incredible country, I can worship freely and if I am falsely accused I get a free trail. When people talk about the west in a negative light I always think, we should be praising God that we were born into a country that allowed us to come to Africa and to do what we are doing. Not many places in the world have even enough money for food and shelter, yet I was able to work to buy a plane ticket. We can't take advantage of the free education, that allows us to learn to read and write, that allows us to get a job that puts food on our tables. We can't go to church to worship freely and then leave and talk about how much we hate the west. In a country like Africa we would work a whole week to earn as much as minimum wage does in a few hours. We would have sewage running through the street and the threat of Cholera and Typhoid would always be there. The police would put you in jail just because and never give you a reason why. No, I'm thankful of where I'm from; I never want to turn a blind eye to the fact that being born into the US was, and is a privilege. I'm not saying that we don't have problems, we do need to wake up to the fact that while we feast there are people dying of starvation, that while we go into clean doctor offices, there are people sick on the streets. That while we try to keep up with our neighbors there are people giving up their children because of poverty. We in the west do need to give up our pursuit for more, our need for perfection because ultimately they won't make us happy. We need to find our satisfaction in Christ because He is the only one that can truly satisfy. There will always be things that our country needs to work on, but let's not take our life of privilege for granted.

Nattie's Big Day

Yesterday was a party day for our six year old girl. I thought it would be a day of excitement and fun, but it ended up to be a day of melt downs and tears. I was cooking all day trying to get ready for the party and Natalie kept whining and crying (actually sobbing) at my feet. I was trying to be nice seeing as it was her birthday, but at one point after all my patience had been exhausted, I finally put her to bed. I had two glorious hours without her telling me every injustice that has ever happened to her. I was almost in a good mood when she woke up for round number two in the crying game; instantly my mood went from semi-good to wretched. An hour before party time and I decided to take a break and give my two very dirty children a bath (clean hair looks better in pictures). While I was washing Nattie’s hair I asked her to tell me what the problem was. She looked at me and said, “I thought my birthday was going to be fun, but instead I woke up missing everyone”. At that moment I’m pretty sure an arrow went straight through my heart, I felt sad that I never saw her tears for what they were, I was just annoyed by them. Her attitude got in the way of my plans and I never once thought to take the time and find out the root of the problem. I was excited that she was able to verbalize her home sickness; I am an adult and sometimes I can’t put my finger on what’s wrong, I just know that I’m mad at the world.

Everyone arrived and Nattie’s tears turned to laughter as we celebrated her special day. She was so excited to find out that our family at home had sent presents with us. It was fun to read the cards, I think she liked them as much as the presents. I am so thankful that we were able to take those presents with us because it helped Nattie to feel like our family was celebrating right along with her. Nattie went to bed a happy girl and was so excited to finally have toys. Everyone who came to the party brought a present, so in one day Nattie went from playing with her brother’s toys to having a full basket of her own. I finally feel like I have my Nattie Grace back, she has been playing pretend all morning, AHHH, the wonderful sound of imagination, it beats whining every time.

At four o’clock a.m. Zach woke me up saying his stomach hurt. Another night of sickness, will we ever be able to figure out what’s wrong with him? I’m thinking that it has to be an amoeba or parasite because he has extreme abdominal pain, vomiting and diarrhea. We almost took him to the hospital this morning because he was doubled over in pain screaming, I thought for sure it was appendicitis. I got down on my knees asking the Lord to heal him, praying that if he needed to have his appendix out that it could wait until December when we are at home. I don’t want to be in Africa for any kind of sur-gery, I don’t want to have to put my children in the care of a third world hospital. The Lord is showing me I need to open my hand, release my tight grip of control on my children, He is convicting me to TRUST HIM. The Lord is our physician, I need to go to him before I go to the doctor, that has been hard for me to get used to. I know that I should have more faith, I serve the God of creation, the God who spoke and it was done, yet it is so hard for me to put my kids in His hands. The Lord is helping me to see that He is not only faithful He is amazingly POWERFUL and I need to trust him. Zach fell asleep around 6:30 a.m., he woke up feeling great; as if nothing ever happened. In a few minutes he is going to be very upset when he realizes that we are going to go down to the lab to get some more blood work done. So if you think about Zach please pray for him. Pray that we will be able to figure out what this thing is and pray for me to trust that the Lord is faithful.

Sorry that it took me so long to blog our Internet has not been working, as my friends say TIA (this is Africa). I wrote this a few days ago , but wasn't able to post until now. Zach's blood counts are now normal (Praise the Lord), so we will go to the doctor on Monday and see what she thinks we should do.

Jehovah Jira

Have you ever wondered which direction is the right direction? Ever gotten to a crossroads and didn’t know which way to turn? Every situation has so many different directions; how are you suppose to choose one? In my mind there is always one “right” direction and the trick is trying to find it. This has been hard here, we all want to figure out the best way to help the boys on the street, we want to do what is right for the boys that are at Agape. They are like our own children, we agonize over how to raise them and if what we are doing is what God wants us to be doing. When I first got here I figured that there were cut and dry solutions to the problems here, now I’m starting to see that there aren’t. How do we help these boys without westernizing them, how can we love them and provide for them and yet have them grow into self sufficient adults? Don’t you hate that life’s questions aren’t easy. I wish that there was a formula for everything, but more often than not we are left to fumble around for the answers. I also find it amazing that we can all have different opinions on how to solve the exact same problem; it just goes to show that the formula I’m looking for doesn’t exist. I have looked for it in parenting, in home schooling, and now in ministry and each time I come up short. I think that I’m in search for the perfect formula because once you institute it you don’t have to think about it again, you simply follow the rules. This type of routine is comforting to my personality, the realization that these set of rules doesn’t exist is overwhelming. I don’t think that I’m the only one who is looking for the answers. There are thousands of NGO’s (the same as our non-profit organizations) across Kenya all trying to answer the question of poverty; trying to help children on the streets. The CDC and many major universities are in Kisumu trying to solve the AIDS epidemic. Yet, the number of children on the street is growing and the AIDS rates are climbing, so what is the answer? I do know this, it is not only about knowledge. It is not about simply educating people or giving them the things that make me feel better. I have found that it is easy to give people money here because it helps relieve my conscience, but is that true compassion? Is it helping these boys in life, or just for the moment? I’m finding out that most of the things I do, even under the guise of compassion, are driven by my desire to be the provider or to ease my conscience about living a privileged life. I don’t think this is how the Lord wants me to give, guilt giving is selfish giving and the Lord seems to get cut out of the equation. I have come to realize that it takes a mixture of knowledge and change of heart to make a difference. I can bring the knowledge, but the Lord has to change the heart. To see change we need to be down on our knees beseeching the Lord to bless the work being done here. We need to fight with one spirit (the spirit of unity) because a double minded man is unstable in ALL he does (James 1:8 NIV) . We need to seek and move in the direction of the Lord. I don’t want to merely take care of the symptoms of poverty but rather get to the root. I want Agape to make a lasting difference in the city of Kisumu, will you please join me in prayer seeking the Lord and His direction. Pray that we would be an organization that doesn’t merely hand out a band aid, but rather points people to the one and only provider, Jehovah Jira.

Warfare

This week I have realized that I need to fight the discouragement and loneliness I feel with prayer. I know this isn't anything revolutionary, but for some reason I kept thinking the way I felt was just physical; I never thought it could be a spiritual attack. This week while I was praying with a few other missionaries, it hit me, I'm smack dab in the middle of some serious spiritual warfare. For the first time in my life I feel like I am being attacked morning, noon, and night. This new found revelation is comforting to me only because I know how to fight it. Now that I know it's spiritual I can go to the Word and prayer with purpose, there is power in that, (1 John 4:4, NIV) "The one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world".

I think I need to look at more of my life through a spiritual lens. The reality is that I live in a very oppressed part of the world, I need to rely on the Lord to fight my battles for me and through me. I am still amazed that God would chose me, a person that fears everything, a person that likes to be comfortable, a person that likes to be in control. I live among amazing evangelists, wonderful counselors, incredibly gifted leaders; I am definitely the weak link on the Agape team. I say that not to put myself down, but rather to be honest about why I would be the one to be attacked. Discouragement starts with one person, it's extremely contagious, left alone it can destroy a whole organization. I once heard someone say, "attitudes are contagious, is your worth catching?" I actually hate that phrase because it makes me take responsibility for the attitude in my home, but I am coming to realize how true that statement is. We can't always choose our circumstances, but we can chose our attitudes. Pray that I will choose the right one!

The Black Mamba

The Agape anniversary was a lot of fun. It ended up being too long for Sam and Nattie to sit through, so I got a ride home after about three hours. Tom came home a few hours later saying they had just started eating, so I have no idea how long it actually was. A large portion of the three hours I saw was a talent show put on by the kids. There was singing, dancing and skits. The skits made me laugh because they were so politically incorrect, they were mostly about HIV/AIDS awareness and sometimes I had to distract Sam and Nattie due to content. There was nothing wrong with what they did, it was just presented in an unusual way. I love that the kids are taking their HIV/AIDS awareness so seriously, in a country that is literally dying off due to this disease, it's good to know that our school is doing a good job educating them about it.

My favorite act was a boy reciting a poem about being a street kid. I wish that I had the words so that I could share them with you. He talked about abandonment and what it's like being alone on the streets. It made my heart ache as I sat there watching this boy act out all he has been through. Pray for these kids as they have so many wounds to heal from, they aren't on the streets anymore, but they still suffer.

I have some bad news, we have been trying to convert a storage room downstairs into a classroom and instead it has become a haven for mosquitoes. You literally can't go in there without being attacked by hundreds of them, so needless to say, school is held upstairs until we can get rid of them. Tom is now on the job, trying to make us a Malaria free classroom, hopefully we will be able to move in at the end of the week.

Last night around 7:30 p.m. our guard (Julius) asked Tom to come downstairs. When Tom went down he saw a dead snake laying on our stairs. Julius said Nora ("our" dog) had found it, and that he (Julius) had killed it, praise God for the Masai. When Tom asked what kind of snake it was Julius said, "oh, that's a Black Mamba". Good to know, I have always wanted to share my home with one of the deadliest snakes in the world. Actually, this whole situation has drawn me closer to Nora (and Julius), before last night Nora was one of my least favorite animals, but I'm pretty sure that today she is ranked near the top.

On that note I will invite each and everyone one of you to come and visit us in Kisumu, remember our door is always open.

Cooking Day

Today was a cooking day. I made tacos for the team that is visiting Agape. We had about 24 people here and it was fun to see my house so crowded and to hear the all noise, it reminded me of my mom's house. I have grown up with my mom cooking for large groups of people, let me rephrase that, I have grown up helping my mom cook for large groups of people. Her house has always been loud and crazy, she never minded the chaos, in fact I think she thrives on it, so tonight was familiar to me and I really enjoyed it.

Sam was Tinny and Beatrice's BIG HELPER today (or at least that is what he called himself). They let him help them make chapattis, he was so excited. He rolled them out and balled the dough, he had flour everywhere and the girls (Tinny and Beatrice) loved it. Sam has a way of charming his way into everyone's heart. There is something about that boys squinty eyes that make people love him.

Nattie went to the doctor today, our poor girl has an ear infection. I knew when her cold lasted more than a week, it was only a matter of time before her ears would be infected. She is now on antibiotics and will be feeling much better in a few days. Pray for my girl to make some friends her age, she is really missing home.

Cass and Zach are both doing well, I have been surprised at how well they have adjusted to their new life. Cass is doing great trying to learn the language, she is always saying something in Kiswahili that I don't understand. Zach has made friends with everyone around here and regularly goes out to swap hunting stories with our guard (he is a Masai warrior).

Tomorrow we are celebrating Agape's 14th anniversary. The boys and staff are putting on a program and then we are having a meal together. I think it is going to be about four hours long, I need to bring lots of things to entertain Sam. My kids aren't used to African programs yet, let's just say they like to take their time here! I'll write and let you know how everything goes.

Home Sweet Home

We are back in Kisumu, praise the Lord!!!! It was nice to have my pillow back and to get a good nights sleep. It's amazing how much better I feel about life when I'm rested, it's when I get tired that I seem to come undone. The good thing about Nairobi is it changed my perspective on Kisumu. It made me realize that this place has become more of a home to me than I ever realized. I was excited to get back to the very place that just a few weeks ago I wanted to leave. We had bible study today, some of the missionary women from Kisumu and the surrounding areas (some drive 45 min) come together once a week. We are going through Liz Curtis Higgs' book, "The Bad Girls of the Bible". It has been so good and the ladies in the bible study group are amazing women that have been in Africa for years. They are so patient with me when I cry and complain, and tell them I can't do this. They never seem to judge me, but rather they pray for me, hug me and give me amazing words of wisdom that keep me going. The Lord has blessed Kisumu with some incredibly wise women (I just wish all of you could meet them). Today we studied Lot's wife (Gen. 19) and honestly I saw myself in her. I have a hard time not looking back, not desiring the life that I came from. I have had a hard time letting go of everything that I know, and moving forward to a life I don't desire, but by God's grace I haven't yet turned into a pillar of salt.

Today I was up early and I was able to see the sunrise; Africa has the most amazing sunrises. As Dianne and I were driving, I was looking out the window at the effects of poverty. Disintegrating block buildings, trash lined roads, sidewalks that turned to rubble long ago. One of our friends calls it "the spirit of poverty", there is nothing pretty about it, you want to look away, but it is ever before you. It slaps you in the face every time you see a young boy lying on the sidewalk, sick with Malaria and unable to afford the medicine he needs. But, more than medicine, the thing that bothers me, is knowing that boy has no one who cares. No one that tucks him in at night or hugs him in the morning. No one that is happy when he comes home or worries about him when he is late. No one that encourages him to fight his way out of the poverty he sees all around him. I often wonder what life holds for these kids, the forgotten ones, the ones that will never know what it's like to have a consistent meal everyday (much less 3). What will they grow up to be like? Dianne started talking to me and pulled me out of my reverie, she pointed up to the sky. I looked up and instead of seeing the poverty of the land, I saw the artwork of the creator. The untouched beauty of God's creation contrasted to the filth of the city. As we drove the buildings obstructed my view, I could no longer see God's beautiful sky, but just that brief glimpse gave me hope. Hope to know that the same boy laying on the street, sick and alone, has a creator that cares. He has a Father that knows his name. I don't have any answers to this country's problems, I can't take all the unwanted children off the street, I can't even help all the ones that come to our gate in a day. I do know the one that can help. I serve a great and mighty God that has heard the cries of the African children and is brining up people and ministries to take care of them, Praise You Father. I serve a God that can take a self-absorbed mother of four and bring her to a country that has taught her more about herself than she ever cared to know. This land is not unlike my heart, I struggle with the "poverty of spirit". Sometimes I look at myself and all I see is the trash and dirt, but then God steps in and gives me a brief glimpse of himself and I am given HOPE.