Today I have a bad case of heartache. Loneliness has set in so much that it physically hurts, and I can’t figure out why it chose to come today. There have been blessings all around me, yet my soul is weary and my spirit sad. We had electricity today, we went to a church that we really enjoyed and met people that were very nice, we went out to lunch with friends, and found out that Beatrice is out of the hospital and is doing very well. I couldn’t ask for a better day, yet here I sit fighting back tears. I long to be with my family and friends at home, I wish this were a Sunday of Modesto BBQ’s and swimming. I want to hear familiar voices and laughter and sleep in my own bed. I keep trying to be strong, but the fact is, I’m not. I’m weak and I keep praying that the Lord’s strength would kick in, I’m not sure when it will happen, but I know it will. That’s my hope right now, that’s what I’m clinging to, I know that my God is faithful to His word. I keep repeating verses like:
Phil. 4:13 (NIV) “I can do everything through Him who gives me strength”, or 2 Tim. 1:12 (NIV) “I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him for that day”.
I find that I’m just like the Israelites, I seem to easily forget all that the Lord has done. When things get hard I buckle down and stoke the fire of idolatry. I rely on my own strength and power and tend to bow down to anything that promises to satisfy. Today it was chocolate chips and shortbread cookies, they promised relief, they brought only sickness. So here I stand, before my God, asking forgiveness for taking things into my own hands once again, and hoping that this time I have learned my lesson. The thought I will leave you with is this, loneliness doesn’t leave when one eats an insane amount of sweets, it only makes you feel sick and sad. Tomorrow promises to be a brighter day, so I will go to sleep and look forward to a refreshed spirit.
13 comments:
my sweet Ju Ju
I'm sitting at my computer crying my eyes out for you. I have to praise my God for continued answered prayer. You may not feel like it, but you sound like a warrior! You are fighting life with scripture. Believe it Girl! You know we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us! You are doing all the things you never thought possible. Living life in Africa, home schooling three children, living without convenience, etc. Your doing it! I am so proud of you. The Lord see's you as holy and dearly loved. He will continue to amaze you on your adventure. Chadders and I just prayed for your aching heart. We love you, Gretch
Julie,
Again I am sitting here reading your blog crying. Everytime I read what you say I either laugh (which makes me tear up) or cry. My heart is hurting for you but we know that we CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens us! I just know that the Lord has chosen you and Tom to take this journey and throughout your daily routine miracles are going to happen. Again, I hope you are keeping a diary of everything as I am expecting a book.
May tomorrow be a better day for you. Call upon the name of the Lord and He will deliver. Remember when each day passes is one day closer to your parents coming to visit. How much fun will that be.
I look forward to reading your blogs each day.
I pray for you and Tom and family each and everyday.
Love
Candy
I understand that loneliness and it hurts, but sweet fellowship with the Lord often comes out of it. I'm praying for you!
:o) Rachel Davis
My darling girl:
I am so proud of you. You have left all you know for the unknown, you have left the convient for the hard, the familiar for the different. You have left family and friends who love and miss you oh, so much but just think how sweet the return will be. In the meantime God is showing you great and wonderous things. He is showing you that you are much stronger than you ever thought you could be. He's showing you you're more resourceful (you substituted what you had in place of tortilla's which you didn't have)and more creative than you thought you were. He's teaching you how to trust Him more and fear less. Even in the midst of great trepidation you're moving forward in obedience to Him. Again, I'm so proud of you! I pray God will refresh your spirit and fill your heart with joy removing the heartache you've experienced yesterday. See you in September!
I love you dearly,
Mom
Julie,
I wish you could know how much your words and precious thoughts mean. I looked you up after talking about you today at church. Even with so many miles between us, you are changing lives here in Modesto and the way we see the world. You are making it so real and your perspective and words are such a blessing. You are such an inspiration to all of us here and I do pray that you wake tomorrow with a comforted heart. You are amazing, Julie.
Love and prayers to you,
Sarah
Julie, I just wrote a great note to you. It was profound and helpful. Sadly, due to my prowess on the computer, it appears to be lost forever. I remember what I said, but I have to get ready for my nail appointment, so will have to write to you later. (I still have my priorities in order!!) I love all of you, Connie/Mimi
Hi, It is Esther. Praying for you a lot. I always found Sundays to be my hardest day. Not sure why but there was a slump most every Sunday. So I guess Saturday here in the US I will have to hold you up in prayer a little harder.
Thanks for the news about Beatrice.I sure love that woman and wouldn't want anything to happen to her. I hope she will be back to work soon. Love and much prayers, E
Dear Julie,
Like Connie, I wrote a "genius" of a letter, but it just poofed and it was gone. Our missions lady read one of your letters in church yesterday, and than the pastor quoted you in his sermon, and we all prayed for you Tom and the youngsters. I know I did not get to see you very often when you lived in Modesto, but I miss you.
We love you and I know that homesickness can be intolerable, but the Lord will prevail and you will wake up and find out that you are with all the family in spirit.
Just think, it is getting closer to Sept. and you will get to see yours and Toms folks, I love you
Grandma
Julie,
So often in life we learn to live behind a beautiful mask, and your honesty and transparency have blessed my life- your being totally real has encouraged me today. Admitting that we aren't strong and perfect all of the time allows God to show Himself through our situation. We are proud of you guys. Miss you and love you!
Hey Julie,
Well, it seems that this particular blog created alot of response. So now it is my time too. I want you to know I read every one of your blogs, and enjoy them tremendously. You have to know that God has given you a gift of thinking, and writing down with such clarity what you feel. Alot of people cannot even measure up to your gift of telling your stories. So now I have to try and give you my story. Julie, alot of people may not realize this, but you were here when I first arrived in Modesto, broken and sad, and not knowing what my future held, not at all unlike you right now. The only difference with me was that I didn't have the focus that you do, and that is what will help you get through this fog, this hurt. I was so lonely at times, that I could not stand it. I sometimes cried so hard at night there at your parents house that the pillow would be soaked. The loneliest I ever felt was one of those Sunday bar-b-ques that you just mentioned. The house was full of people, I mean full, and I experienced this feeling of sadness, loneliness that I cannot describe....I missed my kids and grandkids in Oklahoma and there wasn't one person in that house that could fill that void, not one. But God got me through it somehow, that only He can. And He will you too....it never gets any easier, I experience it every day, but I just know that I will see them again soon, and also, close my eyes and see their faces, remember a time with them that we laughed or cried, or whatever, and pray for peace. It somehow works. I know that Oklahoma isn't as far away as Africa, but to me at the time, it might as well have been. You will survive, you will be ok, I promise. I miss my kids right now as we speak, it is always there, but I know before the day is over, I have accomplished another day without seeing them, but also, another day closer to when I can see them.
I do not know if this will help, but I sure hope so. I love you, JuJu, and please know, I do pray for you and the family, your beautiful family, every day.
I love you,
Auntie Tami
Hi Ju,
After finally catching up on your blog (we just got home from So Cal, I'll e-mail you that story later...) I decided that today I would actually join google and post on your blog. I miss you so much and am praying for you. A Modesto BBQ with you guys does sound great. We may have to BBQ in December and find a heated pool for a token swim. I'm so glad to hear that school is going well! I'm cheering for you from here and totally understand your comment about how there's no time for P.E.!! Much love sister friend!! Ali
Julie,
If you do find time for PE, please don't make your kids wear matching outfits that they can only wash once per week like we had to wear at Somerset! You guys are amazing people doing incredible things. I think about you and pray for you often.
Nikki
Hey Julie! I hope you feel honored to know that I am reading your blog in Japan...we actually have a morning off so I'm filling my morning with normal and part of my normal day is reading what you have to say. I know a lot of people have already encouraged you on this particular day, but I wanted to add as well. A few days back Manny preached a sermon that I will store away forever...it was from Psalm 77...check it out. The first part is all the groanings and sadness and what not, and then i think in verse 12 he switches his thinking...to remember the Lord's blessings. Manny encouraged us to take time (for him it was 3 hours) to read the book of Deuternomy and reflect on God's mercy on Israel...then to take a half hour and record the past mercies of the Lord in your life. Then read Deuteronmy again, then record the present mercies of the Lord in your life. Then read Deuteronomy again, and claim God's mercies/promises for you future. Keep those pieces of paper in a file titled "God's Mercies" and pull it out whenever you need the reminder. i haven't done it yet, but I certainly plan on doing it! Maybe it can be homework for your kids so you can do it too. =)
Love you guys...and praying for you often.
Love,
Shelly (the Japanese Queen) =)
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