Rondo

We just got back from Rondo. It’s a retreat center in the middle of the Kakamega rain forest. Tom and I wanted to take our parents because it is one of the prettiest places we have ever been. We all loved it, and had a great time. It was refreshing to look out the windows and see beauty; I had no idea how much my soul was thirsting for it. Looking out and seeing the hand of God was amazing; creation truly does point to the creator. When we came back to Kisumu this afternoon, I literally felt the energy drain from my body. All the things that were refreshed in me at Rondo feel as though they are slowly being sucked back out. I can’t explain the feeling, but it’s overwhelming. I wish that I had a better attitude, I wish that I could stop looking at all the difficulties and instead focus on the blessings. But how do I do that? There are times I don’t even want to try, it somehow feels better to sulk in my own selfishness. I”m tired and I have only been here a short time. How do I bloom where I am planted when there are times I feel like I’m dying inside? Maybe the reason I feel so down is that I was surrounded by God’s handiwork for two glorious days and now I’m back in the trenches breathing in dirt and looking at filth. The transition is difficult and I find myself not wanting to walk down this path any longer. Do you ever feel like you want out? Like what the Lord has asked of you is too much? I’m tired of sickness, I could live my whole life without coming face to face with another amoeba. I’m tired of trying to figure out the best ways to solve the problems of this continent. I hate always being serious and frustrated, I just want to be like I was for those days in Rondo, relaxed and calm. I know the Lord has not called me to an easy life, but somehow I feel cheated that I don’t get to be at home. Please forgive my whining, I know I have nothing to complain about, my life is blessed, but tonight is just one of those nights I want to pack up and leave. Please pray for my attitude and my selfishness. Please pray that I would have an eternal perspective and that I will let go of my own will. I need your help Lord, I don’t want to live as a double minded person anymore, I want to serve you, but letting go of my will is beyond me, take over. I open my hands to you and lift up all that I have because I trust you Lord, steadfast my willing heart.