I am struggling with fear, I know this nothing new, but I haven't felt it in awhile. I was basking in the freedom of its absence when it suddenly returned with a vengeance. The cause of this new wave of fear is nothing more than sick kids. If I could be a logical thinker, I would be able to see this; but fear seems to take all logic and leaves one pondering only the worst outcomes. Fear would love nothing more than to lock me in a prison of self-loathing and throw away the key. It's times like these that make me question our decision to come here. Why would loving parents take their four children to Africa? Why would we expose them to a world of disease and heartache? These are the questions that plague me when things don't go as planned. Tom, being of sound mind, always reminds me that kids get sick and then they get better. I can see his point, but I struggle with the lack of medical care and the abundance of disease that Africa has to offer. Am I being a responsible parent by taking my kids here? I ask these questions to God, because in the end, He is the one with our lives in his hands.
I wish faith were easier, but fear is always there waiting to chase it away. Right now I want to be sitting on a couch in California, watching a mindless TV program, nursing my kids back to health in the comfort of the west. Instead I'm sitting in the east armed with some Gatorade powder and an over-active imagination. As I write this, I am reminded that I am protected, not by the west, but rather, by the Lord, the great physician, and I need to trust Him. So I have to keep asking myself...whom am I trusting, and more often than not, the answer is myself.
How do I move from knowledge to faith? Maybe it's by staying here, when everything in me tells me to go home. I need to trust that the Lord has our future in His hands, instead of becoming overly introspective about what He hasn't called me to. I actually don't know how to do this, but I will take action by continuing to lift my kids up in prayer and staying in Africa despite fear. Isaiah 41:10 (NIV) says, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you will my righteous right hand." 2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJ) says, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." I have to admit that I love the sound-mind part, because that is what fear takes from me; a mind that can logically look at the facts. I will pray that this blanket of fear will lift so that I once again can think logically. I also love that God gives me a spirit of power over fear, I don't need to stay in fear's prison, I'm already free..... Lord, help me to trust you and to believe your word.
Pray that Natalie and Sam would get better and that I would remain sane. Pray that I wouldn't always doubt why I am here. And pray that I would be able to stand up in that spirit of power and break out of the prison of fear.
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5 comments:
Ju:
I'm sick too. I'm thanking the Miller clan for this but I have to admit they had it over a week ago so it probably wasn't them. Very early this morning when I woke up with it I thought I'm glad I'm not in Africa right now because as sick as I am I would think I had something much worse than the stomach flu. So I understand your concern. I will definitely be praying for my Nattie Grace and my Sammers and you too my sweet girl. It's no fun to be consumed with fear.
Love,
Mom
Julie:
I was sitting here this morning (a lazy one because it is raining and the kids have no school) working on my fruit of the spirit biblestudy I'm doing with Gretchie and Becks. I always get a little distracted and check email and your blog in the mornings. I'm sorry that fear has overwhelmed you. It seems that the only emotion that can counteract fear is peace. We have been studying it this week and it has been encouraging to know that our God is the source of true peace and we have access to that peace by the simple fact that we are at peace with him through Christ! It is ours to claim! Thank you Jesus! Anyways, when I read "today's treasure" in my Beth Moore study, I couldn't help but think of you. John 14:27 - "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." As much peace as your couch in Modesto could bring, mindless tv, american doctors, etc.. you are right in that our Lord can give you so much more and it is not dependant upon your location. Praying peace to flood your soul-
I'm serious if you want me to watch the kiddos if they're sick in the morning I will..I promise I'll leave the puke for you to clean up. =) Tempting offer? I think so. But seriously, I'll pray for health in the night so you can enjoy the Nyanza club!!!
Praying for you all today.
Julie,
I too am doing the Beth Moore study and this week on peace is amazing. I didn't realize all the things that Christ wants to offer peace in the middle of - in aloneness, in needing provision, in the storms, in the wait, and in the tears. I think my favorite time that Jesus experienced peace while the disciples had great fear (much like us still today) was during the storm when Jesus came walking on the water. Peter was able to walk on the water still during the storm until he saw his circumstances again. Sounds just like me! Anyhow, I will be praying for God to fill you with peace once again, as I too have been there when my kids are sick. Hope Nattie and Sam are better soon. You're a great mom!
Love you all, susie
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