I have just had an amazing night. I'm thankful for the refreshing that comes from worship. We have a team here from the states and after dinner tonight we sang, prayed and shared; it was so encouraging. I think this week I have been too tired to fight. Being in a constant battle has worn me down, and I'm sad to report that I just didn't care anymore. Apathy was calling my name, and I was happy to answer. The status quo beckoned and as I was reaching out my hand to take a hold of it, the Lord softened my heart. I have gone through many ups and downs since I have been here, but this is the first time that my heart has been hard. I was sad and lonely, but I wasn't broken I was rebellious, I wasn't compassionate I was cold. I looked around at this place with an air of arrogance and saw only myself among the needy. It's so crazy how I can actually make myself believe that I have it pretty bad, I can go away from meeting a street child and come home and cry because it's not fair that I have to live here. There is something wrong with this way of thinking, it is always centered on myself. I need to become a selfless thinker....is this even possible? I have been convicted that even most of my prayer time is spent on praying for myself. I don't think this is necessarily bad, but I have a feeling that if I didn't waste so much time thinking about myself I would be healthier. The love of self gets in the way of freedom because it can never see past itself. I want to live a life that isn't centered on me.
I wrote this a few days ago and I thought I would share it because I love the fact that the Lord has renewed my heart toward this ministry. I don't know why I always feel like the victim; why I always feel I deserve more. I wonder when I will completely understand that I am not among Africa’s most needy. When will I see that I am privileged, I write about it all the time, but somehow I haven't grasped it yet. I love the fact that the Lord doesn't look down on me, He forgives me and helps me to keep walking. In 2 Corinthians (1:5) the Lord tells us that we will suffer, but He will be there to comfort us. What an amazing promise, we are never alone in our suffering. I know that my suffering doesn't hold a candle to what some of you are going through, but that is the awesome thing about the Lord, He helps us in all kinds of suffering, whether big or small. He is comforting the kids on the streets in Africa as much as He is comforting a self absorbed mother of four living in a house in Kisumu.
Our bible study is going through the book by Kay Arthur, "Lord, Give Me a Heart for You", it is an amazing book. Kay writes, "When we go beyond our limit, then we experience the supernatural intervention of God and we know that we know that it's God. And we'll never forget it. It will be a genuine experience that will always remind us of the total sufficiency of His grace--grace perfected, brought to completion in our weakness."
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3 comments:
Hi Julie,
I am enjoying reading your blog and hope that you don't mind us up in Canada staying connected with your family.
We think of you all often and will continue to keep you in our prayers.
Thanks again for opening your home to our family!
Team Reid from Canada
Ju:
I have had a few requests from people asking how to post a comment. For those of you who asked or for those of you who haven't asked but would like to know here's the instructions.
At the end of Julie's writting and of any comments that have been written are the words "post a comment" click on those words, it'll take you to a page where there is a square with the words "leave your comment" above the square. Don't leave your comment until you sign in (you may have read people's comments saying they had written profound words to Julie only to have them disappear). The reason for that is they didn't sign in. Go down to the area that says "do you have a Goggle account" it may say "do you want a Goggle account". It'll have the words in blue "sign in" or "sign up" click on those words. It'll take you to a page that looks like an application. If you've never signed in before fill out the application and follow the directions for that. When you're finished it'll take you back to the sqaure box that says "leave your comment" above it. If you are truly signed in it'll say below the box "You're currently posting as" then in blue printing it'll give your screen name i.e. Sweet Momma. That means you are signed in and you won't lose what you write in the square box when you click on the orange retangle with the words "publish your comment". If however, you have filled out the application before then you go to the top of the application page and click where it says "sign in". That will take you to page with your e-mail address in a box and a blank box that asks for your password. Type in your password click on the appropriate box (I forget what the box you click on says) and next thing you know you are back to the sqaure box where you write your comments. Look down to make sure your screen name is there in blue printing after the words "You're currently posting as". That's all there is to it. Julie has told me how much she loves reading the comments people post back to her. I know you'll make her day brighter by logging in and posting a comment.
Ju:
I know I just posted a very long instructional comment but now I want to comment on your "Softening a Hard Heart". I just came home from the Liz Curtis Higgs conference at the church. She was wonderful. You would have enjoyed her tremendously, especially since you just finished her "Bad Girls of the Bible" with your missionary ladies Bible study. Her topics were Embrace Truth at the first session. The second session was Embrace Forgiveness and the third session was Embrace Grace. In reading your blog and freshly coming from the conference I thought isn't it wonderful that
no matter how I feel, no matter how I've blown it, no matter how unlovely I've been or still am God loves me. I'm precious to Him. My thinking, my feelings, my complaining is no surprise to Him for He is knows me intimately. He knows my heart better than I do and He still loves me. What Liz reminded us at the conference is His grace is new every morning. Every single day we have a new chance for a fresh start even if He's given us thousands of chances already. Even if we've given up on ourselves He will never give up on us. I know this isn't exactly the subject of your post but I thought it tied in well. No matter if we're a complaining self absorbed mother of four in Kisumu, Kenya or a complaining self absorbed grammy of nine in Modesto, California He wants to comfort us, He wants to carry our burdens, lighten our load because He loves us, because we are precious to Him. All we have to do is focus on Him. It sounds like that is exactly what you did when you sang, prayed and shared with the team that was there with you. You turned to Him in worship and He lifted you up. Praise You Father!!!
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