Teenagers

Is there any other parent of a teenager that feels you can do nothing right? It seems all I do is try to make a 13 year old girl happy and I seem to be failing miserably. My teenager is sweet and doesn't give me the normal attitude associated with the age, but I feel like I'm constantly letting her down. I'm terrible for taking her out of school and home schooling her, this is made worse by the fact that I don't have enough money to put her back in school. I feel like I'm this circus act that constantly has to be on to receive laughs and as soon as I stop performing it's back to the doldrums. I'm tired and I really want her know I'm trying, but I can't make her life happy, at some point she's got to help. Please don't think that my sweet girl is turning into something terrible, that couldn't be further from the truth. I think my sadness stems from the fact that I think I'm failing, I'm somehow not doing enough. Will I ever be free from feeling like I'm failing? A performance based life is a tired life, and quite frankly I'm ready for a rest!

Is That Her????

This is the fun Julie that Lindsay captured on film..... I think it was her last sighting. Anyway here she is, this gave me a hearty chuckle.

Finally

I'm finally writing again..... it has been way too long since I last posted. I can't even justify my absence, except to say I have been overwhelmed with school. I'm probably writing to no one, I would have stopped checking out this blog long ago, but here goes anyway. I have almost completed my first year home schooling. You would think I would feel accomplished, but quite the opposite, I'm constantly questioning whether or not I have done a good job. Will I ever stop being so hard on myself? I think what adds to my frustration is a 13 year old who is constantly letting me know that she wants to go back to school. Am I the only one whose expectations get them into trouble? I had this idea in my mind what home school would be like, that my kids would love it as much as I did. For the first half of the year it was going well, and now it seems we are all ready for it to end. The question is will I do this again next year, and I honestly don't know. I'm ready to be just their mom, instead of playing the double role of parent/teacher. Can kids who have been in school all their life enjoy being home schooled????

Enough about school, I will talk about my quest to find fun Julie. My New Year's resolution was to become fun once again (I think I was fun at one point in my life... long ago). I have been noticing that I have angry wrinkles; do you know how long you have to be angry to actually get permanent frown lines? I'm not sure, but if I were to guess it would be WAY TOO LONG! So far, fun Julie hasn't surfaced, but I, acting on faith, am still searching for her. I imagine her to be young and wistful, full of energy and grace. Quick with a joke or a smile she brightens any room she enters. Children love her, friends want to emulate her, her husband can't wait to get home; to put it plainly she is the life of the party. I know that she exists, not that I have met her, but I have imagined her and let me tell you when she finally emerges you will want to meet her. I will post the next glimpse I get of her.

Limbo

Being in a state of flux is never any fun. I don't know if it is my desire to put down roots and grow in one place that is making this so hard, or if I am just having a hard time because I don't want to go back. Every time I think about going back to Kenya I feel all the energy run out of my body; but I also know that I can't serve the Lord based on feelings alone. He calls us to many things we don't feel like doing. So how do I figure out if I'm making a decision based on feelings or the Lord's will? It all seems a bit confusing to me right now, I feel like the man described in James 1:8 (NAS) "a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways." I desire to not allow my fears, my wants, my pride, and my own self-pity stand in the way of walking down the path the Lord has for me. I can convince myself that any of the above reasons are good, responsible things to listen to, but in the end Jesus didn't play it safe for me; so why is it so hard to take risk for Him?

I am also not wanting to let guilt determine my direction either. Not guilt laid on me by those around me, but rather the guilt that hides inside. The guilt that thinks that I have to go back because it is the harder path, and of course God wants us to take the harder road. I am realizing that this is not truth, if I go back just because of guilt than I'm serving my own conscience and not the Lord. I don't want to do ministry just for ministry sake; I want to follow where the Lord leads and if He isn't leading I don't want to go.

This blog gives you insight into the insanity of my mind. The Bible has so many examples of people that sacrificed their wants and dreams for the Lord. They followed Him with what seems like relative ease (not in life, but in thought), but as I start thinking about them as real flesh and blood humans I realize they struggled every bit as much as I am. We read about Abraham walking up the mountain to sacrifice his only son, God left out the struggle to obey, we just know he walked the road the Lord had for him. I love that the Lord didn't include Abraham's struggle, it shows me that no matter how many times I fall, what is important is getting to the finish line.

Bullet Holes

A few days ago I found out that my house in Kenya now sports bullet holes. Wow, that's something I never expected to hear; as I write this I wonder how I will incorporate them into my decorating? I was thinking of changing my style to more of a gangster motif; I think the bullet holes might lend a unique design flair. All kidding aside, I am truly thankful that I have been in the US during this time. The bullet holes were just a reminder that Kenya is a very unstable place right now, our house just so happens to be at the center of the instability, being in Kisumu. We live among the Lou tribe who are fighting the Kikuyu's for what appears to be a rigged election. The violence in Kisumu has settled down over the past few days, but as we have seen over the past few weeks it takes very little to start a whole new round of violence. It seems with every announcement Kisumu erupts into riots. As I said before we are just waiting to see how everything plays out before we go back. To tell you the truth, I'm a bit nervous to go back into something that in a second can turn violent. Life definitely won't be the same, 80% of the businesses in Kisumu have been looted and burned, and one of our missionaries (that stayed in country) said it looks like a war zone.

As I write this I am struck with the fear of going back; will God truly call me back to all this? The uncertainty is difficult, and being up in the air is a hard way to live. But I know that God was faithful to bring me home during this time and that He will be faithful to protect me if He calls me back. When I first came home I was spiritually beat-up. I was angry at ministry and frustrated with what we as a family were called to do. The time I have spent home has been a gift; a time of refreshing. I feel my strength coming back; and can now see things through a logical lens, instead of a lens of anger.

Loneliness is something I don't think we ever get used to, but looking back at my time in Kenya I realize that most of my growth came through the very thing I hated. It was at times of extreme loneliness that the Lord and I had sweet fellowship, I hate to say it, but I miss that..... (the fellowship, not the loneliness). The problem is the fellowship wouldn't have been as sweet without the loneliness. I'm reading an allegory called, "Hinds Feet on High Places", which has shown me that we seem to grow the most when our companions are sorrow and suffering. No one likes to hear that, and going through it is even harder, but it is when we have come out the other side that we realize sorrow and suffering were not our cross to bear, but rather God given guides to maturity. I stand amazed at a God that can use the hard times to mold broken pots into useful vessels.

Tribal Tension

Our missionaries are in Tanzania now and I for one am relieved that they are out of Kenya. That is all but Steve Warn are out, he is wanting to stay and help out once Kisumu is more stable. It didn't surprise me at all that Steve wanted to stay, he is one of the most self-sacrificing people I have ever met. It has been a long week of trying to coordinate the evacuation of the missionaries at the farm. Tom was up most nights on the phone contacting embassies, the State Department, mission organizations with planes and so forth. My phone was ringing at all hours of the night with people calling from Kenya; needless to say I am tired ( but not as tired as the missionaries in Kenya).

Tonight we had a prayer meeting for Kenya; it was a sweet time of lifting up all our boys, national staff, and missionaries. I have loved hearing all the stories of how God has protected them from harm, we truly serve an amazing God. With all the unrest Tom and I have made the decision to stay here in California for awhile longer. We were suppose to go back to Kenya at the end of this month, but now we are thinking that we need to wait until things are A LOT more stable in order to go back. Both of us agree that we don't want to take our kids back when the situation is so volatile. So, with us staying for awhile I am going to have to hunker down and start home schooling again. Which means tomorrow is the first day back to school; my kids are not excited, they keep asking me if they can go back to Big Valley. Apparently they aren't impressed with my teaching ability; nothing like kids to keep you humble!

Continue to pray for Kenya as the political unrest is calming down, but the racial tension is rising. The people are hungry as the food supply is running low and the supply lines are cut off. Hunger coupled with hatred is creating a dangerous environment. Pray for the tribal tensions and the road blocks to be cleared so food can be brought in.

Kenya

Things are escalating in Kenya and our missionary friends at the farm are being evacuated by helicopter to a more stable village. They called Tom this morning to get GPS coordinates so the helicopter could find them. My heart is breaking for Kenya, I can’t believe this is happening to a country that has been stable for so many years. When this is all said and done I wonder what will be left of the Kenya I know. I praise God that I am here safe and sound, but wish there was something I could do to get the rest of the people I love out. I know that God is bigger than this unrest; but my faith seems so small right now as I’m waiting for all this to be over. I’m nervous for those I love that are stranded in Kenya right now; I’m nervous for the boys at Agape, and for all the innocent Kenyans that are fearing for their lives. Please join me in prayer for this country that so desperately needs Jesus.