What do you Think?

I am trying to update the look of my blog, but my technical IQ is extremely low, so I just gave up and will try again when I have help. I can, however, push a button and allow my blog to take the form of a pre-made template courtesy of Blogger, so that is exactly what I have done.... viola, a new page, what do you think?

I haven't had time to write about the women's retreat I went on last weekend; with starting a new diet (yes, American food is too good for me to resist), baseball season being in full swing, and trying to keep my kids focused on the last few weeks of school, I have had little time to write. But I don't want to let the experiences I had go left unsaid, so I will finally share my tale.

Last Friday I loaded up with a van full of women and headed for the mountains. I was excited to get away for a few days and relax, but I had no idea the impact those two days would have on my life. The Lord met me there and refreshed my soul, it was a sweet time of seeking the Lord, not only for His direction in my life, but also for His joy. I have been in a very dry period of life; wanting to have passion, but feeling very little. Wanting to have direction, but feeling very lost. Wanting to hear the voice of the Lord, but wondering if he has somehow forgotten me. I have been told I am in Gods waiting room, I HATE waiting, in fact, sometimes I think waiting is a form of torture. People have also told me I need to have patience while I'm waiting; patiently waiting is that even possible?? Seeing as I have no other choice, here I sit in God's waiting room doing my best to patiently wait. Back to the retreat... two things happened during the weekend; the first was that I realized I can still be fun (it has been a long time) and the second was that I conquered fear.

I was talked into going on a high ropes course, I have no idea how this happened, I guess I'm still am a sucker for peer pressure. I was simultaneously crying and shaking as I walked to the beginning of the course; I really thought I was going to run the other way when my turn came to pull my body up the ropes. I was completely surprised when I found myself actually climbing up to the corse (this experience also showed me it's time to start Weight Watchers). For those that don't know what a high ropes corse is, I will describe it from my viewpoint (someone who is extremely afraid of heights) it looks like death by falling. Actually, it looks like extreme suffering for the rest of your life. It was 75 feet up in the air and the goal was to shimmy across wires so that you could come to the end of the corse only to jump off. My name has always been "Much Afraid" just like the character in "Hinds Feet on High Places", I guess I thought my name would never be changed, but this weekend after I completed the corse it changed. I am no longer Much Afraid, I will no longer let fear control my life. Instead I will purposely walk through it no matter how much I want to run the other way. This was the first time that I realized I have a choice with fear. Choosing to not fear doesn't mean I won't feel the emotion, it means that I will CHOOSE to walk through it.

What I loved about the ropes corse is that I am able to exalt God through it; those who know me realize it wasn't me that did it (I have no courage in myself), but rather my Heavenly Father took my hand and gave me the strength and courage to cross something that looked impossible to my human mind. What a lesson this is for me in life; and just like the character in "Hinds Feet on High Places" my name has been changed to "Grace and Glory" because it is only by His Grace that my name changed and it is only for His Glory that is has changed. Praise God!

Teenagers

Is there any other parent of a teenager that feels you can do nothing right? It seems all I do is try to make a 13 year old girl happy and I seem to be failing miserably. My teenager is sweet and doesn't give me the normal attitude associated with the age, but I feel like I'm constantly letting her down. I'm terrible for taking her out of school and home schooling her, this is made worse by the fact that I don't have enough money to put her back in school. I feel like I'm this circus act that constantly has to be on to receive laughs and as soon as I stop performing it's back to the doldrums. I'm tired and I really want her know I'm trying, but I can't make her life happy, at some point she's got to help. Please don't think that my sweet girl is turning into something terrible, that couldn't be further from the truth. I think my sadness stems from the fact that I think I'm failing, I'm somehow not doing enough. Will I ever be free from feeling like I'm failing? A performance based life is a tired life, and quite frankly I'm ready for a rest!

Is That Her????

This is the fun Julie that Lindsay captured on film..... I think it was her last sighting. Anyway here she is, this gave me a hearty chuckle.

Finally

I'm finally writing again..... it has been way too long since I last posted. I can't even justify my absence, except to say I have been overwhelmed with school. I'm probably writing to no one, I would have stopped checking out this blog long ago, but here goes anyway. I have almost completed my first year home schooling. You would think I would feel accomplished, but quite the opposite, I'm constantly questioning whether or not I have done a good job. Will I ever stop being so hard on myself? I think what adds to my frustration is a 13 year old who is constantly letting me know that she wants to go back to school. Am I the only one whose expectations get them into trouble? I had this idea in my mind what home school would be like, that my kids would love it as much as I did. For the first half of the year it was going well, and now it seems we are all ready for it to end. The question is will I do this again next year, and I honestly don't know. I'm ready to be just their mom, instead of playing the double role of parent/teacher. Can kids who have been in school all their life enjoy being home schooled????

Enough about school, I will talk about my quest to find fun Julie. My New Year's resolution was to become fun once again (I think I was fun at one point in my life... long ago). I have been noticing that I have angry wrinkles; do you know how long you have to be angry to actually get permanent frown lines? I'm not sure, but if I were to guess it would be WAY TOO LONG! So far, fun Julie hasn't surfaced, but I, acting on faith, am still searching for her. I imagine her to be young and wistful, full of energy and grace. Quick with a joke or a smile she brightens any room she enters. Children love her, friends want to emulate her, her husband can't wait to get home; to put it plainly she is the life of the party. I know that she exists, not that I have met her, but I have imagined her and let me tell you when she finally emerges you will want to meet her. I will post the next glimpse I get of her.

Limbo

Being in a state of flux is never any fun. I don't know if it is my desire to put down roots and grow in one place that is making this so hard, or if I am just having a hard time because I don't want to go back. Every time I think about going back to Kenya I feel all the energy run out of my body; but I also know that I can't serve the Lord based on feelings alone. He calls us to many things we don't feel like doing. So how do I figure out if I'm making a decision based on feelings or the Lord's will? It all seems a bit confusing to me right now, I feel like the man described in James 1:8 (NAS) "a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways." I desire to not allow my fears, my wants, my pride, and my own self-pity stand in the way of walking down the path the Lord has for me. I can convince myself that any of the above reasons are good, responsible things to listen to, but in the end Jesus didn't play it safe for me; so why is it so hard to take risk for Him?

I am also not wanting to let guilt determine my direction either. Not guilt laid on me by those around me, but rather the guilt that hides inside. The guilt that thinks that I have to go back because it is the harder path, and of course God wants us to take the harder road. I am realizing that this is not truth, if I go back just because of guilt than I'm serving my own conscience and not the Lord. I don't want to do ministry just for ministry sake; I want to follow where the Lord leads and if He isn't leading I don't want to go.

This blog gives you insight into the insanity of my mind. The Bible has so many examples of people that sacrificed their wants and dreams for the Lord. They followed Him with what seems like relative ease (not in life, but in thought), but as I start thinking about them as real flesh and blood humans I realize they struggled every bit as much as I am. We read about Abraham walking up the mountain to sacrifice his only son, God left out the struggle to obey, we just know he walked the road the Lord had for him. I love that the Lord didn't include Abraham's struggle, it shows me that no matter how many times I fall, what is important is getting to the finish line.

Bullet Holes

A few days ago I found out that my house in Kenya now sports bullet holes. Wow, that's something I never expected to hear; as I write this I wonder how I will incorporate them into my decorating? I was thinking of changing my style to more of a gangster motif; I think the bullet holes might lend a unique design flair. All kidding aside, I am truly thankful that I have been in the US during this time. The bullet holes were just a reminder that Kenya is a very unstable place right now, our house just so happens to be at the center of the instability, being in Kisumu. We live among the Lou tribe who are fighting the Kikuyu's for what appears to be a rigged election. The violence in Kisumu has settled down over the past few days, but as we have seen over the past few weeks it takes very little to start a whole new round of violence. It seems with every announcement Kisumu erupts into riots. As I said before we are just waiting to see how everything plays out before we go back. To tell you the truth, I'm a bit nervous to go back into something that in a second can turn violent. Life definitely won't be the same, 80% of the businesses in Kisumu have been looted and burned, and one of our missionaries (that stayed in country) said it looks like a war zone.

As I write this I am struck with the fear of going back; will God truly call me back to all this? The uncertainty is difficult, and being up in the air is a hard way to live. But I know that God was faithful to bring me home during this time and that He will be faithful to protect me if He calls me back. When I first came home I was spiritually beat-up. I was angry at ministry and frustrated with what we as a family were called to do. The time I have spent home has been a gift; a time of refreshing. I feel my strength coming back; and can now see things through a logical lens, instead of a lens of anger.

Loneliness is something I don't think we ever get used to, but looking back at my time in Kenya I realize that most of my growth came through the very thing I hated. It was at times of extreme loneliness that the Lord and I had sweet fellowship, I hate to say it, but I miss that..... (the fellowship, not the loneliness). The problem is the fellowship wouldn't have been as sweet without the loneliness. I'm reading an allegory called, "Hinds Feet on High Places", which has shown me that we seem to grow the most when our companions are sorrow and suffering. No one likes to hear that, and going through it is even harder, but it is when we have come out the other side that we realize sorrow and suffering were not our cross to bear, but rather God given guides to maturity. I stand amazed at a God that can use the hard times to mold broken pots into useful vessels.

Tribal Tension

Our missionaries are in Tanzania now and I for one am relieved that they are out of Kenya. That is all but Steve Warn are out, he is wanting to stay and help out once Kisumu is more stable. It didn't surprise me at all that Steve wanted to stay, he is one of the most self-sacrificing people I have ever met. It has been a long week of trying to coordinate the evacuation of the missionaries at the farm. Tom was up most nights on the phone contacting embassies, the State Department, mission organizations with planes and so forth. My phone was ringing at all hours of the night with people calling from Kenya; needless to say I am tired ( but not as tired as the missionaries in Kenya).

Tonight we had a prayer meeting for Kenya; it was a sweet time of lifting up all our boys, national staff, and missionaries. I have loved hearing all the stories of how God has protected them from harm, we truly serve an amazing God. With all the unrest Tom and I have made the decision to stay here in California for awhile longer. We were suppose to go back to Kenya at the end of this month, but now we are thinking that we need to wait until things are A LOT more stable in order to go back. Both of us agree that we don't want to take our kids back when the situation is so volatile. So, with us staying for awhile I am going to have to hunker down and start home schooling again. Which means tomorrow is the first day back to school; my kids are not excited, they keep asking me if they can go back to Big Valley. Apparently they aren't impressed with my teaching ability; nothing like kids to keep you humble!

Continue to pray for Kenya as the political unrest is calming down, but the racial tension is rising. The people are hungry as the food supply is running low and the supply lines are cut off. Hunger coupled with hatred is creating a dangerous environment. Pray for the tribal tensions and the road blocks to be cleared so food can be brought in.