Disappointment

I have felt like I’ve been a disappointment to God longer than I can remember. I am a person that loves the Lord and wants to do His will. I am passionate about Him and want to live victoriously, yet I never feel I’m good enough. I thought this was something that I was alone in, I thought this internal battle of not measuring up was unique to me, until those around me voiced this same struggle. I want to know why. Why are we living in a shroud of guilt, why do we have so much disappointment in ourselves? As I look back on my life, I can honestly say that the main stealer of my joy has been this view that I’m a disappointment. More than anything, I want God to look down on my life, and be pleased, I want Him to be happy with who I am, but in my mind He never is. Discouragement is always there to rear its ugly head and says things like, “why keep trying”, or “you failed again”, or my personal favorite, “you should be able to live differently, you have the power of Christ in you”. After one of these pep talks I usually inhale deeply and with a huge sigh I feel all of my life energy leave my body. All the energy used to strengthen my resolve, all the energy to keep fighting, all the energy to pick myself up and try again is gone, and I am left right smack dab in the middle of a war with no fight left. The crazy thing is, it’s a lie. I have given up hope, and joy and peace for a lie. All because somewhere along the line I started to believe that I could somehow be good enough, that I could measure up and be faithful all the time. As I write this I’m realizing that all those times I laid down in defeat, I surrendered to an enemy whose only weapon was a lie. It seems small, but what a powerful weapon he uses, he knows we will act out of what we believe, about ourselves, about our God, and about our circumstances. If I believe that I’m a disappointment to God, I will act out of this belief. The enemy knows that he can disarm me in the physical battle by lying to me in a mental one.

One day I had this crazy thought, “what if I recognized and agreed with the fact that I’m not good enough? What if instead of beating myself up for another failure I came to terms with the fact that I’m forgiven?” I continually fall into sin, it seems not a day goes by that I don’t trip on something. It may be an unkind word or an unwillingness to forgive; a prideful heart or being an unwise steward. It could be not taking the time to properly care for those God has entrusted to me, or complaining about the situation that surrounds me. I could go on and on, it seems everyday is a struggle to live righteously. For some reason I started to believe that this shouldn’t be the cases, after all I’m a Christian, righteous living should somehow be easier than it is. When I continued to struggle, I became frustrated because like Paul I was doing the very things I did not want to do (Romans 7:15-25). My frustration led to discouragement and discouragement to disappointment, and on it on it went until I decided that if I felt this way about myself, God must feel it even more so. Living with the feeling that God is constantly disappointed with you is tiring, it makes you want to stop trying. In fact many of us do, one of my friends recently announced that they were tired of struggling and decided instead to embrace the sin they fought so hard against. I know all too well that giving into sin seems like it’s going be easier, but it NEVER is. We must fight even if it means we have to get up 100 times a day, ask for forgiveness and keep walking forward.

I am a new creature in Christ, but I still struggle, every minute of everyday. I’m ready to embrace this and to even get joy from it. I’m going to agree with the enemy when he says I’m not good enough, because I’m not. I’m going to realize that God knew all my failures before one of them came to pass, and He STILL forgave me. I am going to stop focusing on myself because my righteousness is like filthy rags (Isaiah 64:6) and start focusing on Christ who had no sin, yet was made sin for me so that in him I could become righteous (2 Corinthians 5:21). I’m going to stop believing the lie that righteousness shouldn’t be a struggle and I’m going to fight for it. I don’t want to lay down in the middle of the battle anymore, too tired or too discouraged to fight. I want to stand for as long as possible and when I get knocked down I want to dust myself off and try again. I don’t care if I’m bruised, bloodied and crawling to the finish line, I want to keep moving towards it.

Rejection

I hate rejection. I actually don’t know of anyone who enjoys it, the thing is, I hate it, yet I seem to attract it; Why is that? I try so hard to keep myself safe from its bite, but every now and then I let my guard down, and BAM, it gets the best of me. The thing I hate most about rejection is its ability to take away my self worth. In no time flat, I am reduced to a weeping mess that is unsure of everything she has ever accomplished in life. I wish I could think logically and realize that just because someone doesn’t like who I am or what I have done, doesn’t mean that I am any less of a person. In my imagination I am that person, I am able to think, I am confident and can stand up for myself; but in real life, I have to admit, I really want people to like me.

I’m realizing that being excluded feels like rejection. It’s just wrapped up prettier; instead of coming right out and saying you aren’t good enough, it says maybe next time.... I actually think it’s more cunning because it keeps you waiting. I am also realizing that no matter how many times you have been rejected, it doesn’t get any easier. I wonder if you ever get to the point when it doesn’t sting anymore? When it doesn’t take away a part of you?

And then I turn to Jesus..... “He was despised and rejected by men, and man of sorrows and familiar with suffering.” (Isaiah 53:3 NIV) And I realize that He knows rejection, He knows exclusion.... even to death. And somehow this brings me comfort; this takes away the sting. I don’t know if it’s because I have a God who will never reject me, or if it’s because I know He has gone through it all before. Either way I know I’m not alone, and even if the people in this world don’t understand me, or like me, or want me, I have a God who does, and that seems to make everything a little lighter.

Lonely

I have come to realize I hate when my husband is away. I’ve thought of calling him a million times today; I love having someone to share something funny with, or to bounce an idea off of, or just to simply ask how he’s doing. Every time I reach for the phone I remember he’s in Africa, and then I get this sick lonely feeling in the pit of my stomach. For some reason it makes me feel completely alone. I have people all around, but I feel like part of me is missing; the part of me that I enjoy. The one that makes me relax and have fun; the one that reminds me that not everything has to be so serious. I know that I can be these things while he is gone, it just seems harder. Learning how to be alone is a discipline, and I’m finding myself not wanting any part of it. I love short times of solitude, don’t get me wrong, it’s the long periods of doing life by yourself that I could do without.

Tom if you read this, we are a great team. You make my life a lot easier and a whole lot more fun.

I Love

I love gum, and silence (even though I just learned to spell it), and the sound of old hondas in reverse. I love pictures of people laughing, and paintings of people eating at some unknown cafe. I love hot summer days when you have nothing to do but swim and BBQ with good friends. I love watching old people, especially when they lift their hands in worship. I don’t know why this is, maybe it gives me hope that they have lived through it all and still praise the Master. Maybe it is because they have more answers than I do and I’m a bit envious. I love good books and flowery language, and most of the time I wish I knew how to speak it so I could seem mysterious and romantic. I love the ocean and the desert; both vast and untamable. I love naps and movie days; those days when you put away your to do list and decide to do nothing. I love painted toenails and big necklaces, and every once in awhile I love to get so dressed up that I don’t even recognize myself. But most of the time, I love ponytails and t-shirts and comfortable flip-flops. I love deep conversations; the kind that make you think even after they are over, the kind that change you for the better. I love nostalgia, times of remembering the good and the bad. Times of remembering lessons learned and good times past. I love finding the hand prints of God in every part of my life, so that my everyday seems purposeful. I love sisters because they know all your stuff, and most of the time they love you anyway. I love the kind of laughter that takes your breath away; when tears fall and lungs burn, but you just can’t stop. I love marriage; a lifetime spent discovering someone other than yourself. I love having kids and learning who I am as a parent. And when I seriously fail as a mother, wife, friend, sister, I love the fact that there is forgiveness, and with everyday comes the hope of new possibilities. There is so much I love, and yet most days I don’t remember them. I remember the task, the broken vacuum, the things done wrong. I remember all the ways I’ve failed and all the things that I need to do. But very rarely do I take the time to remember the little inconsequential things that put a smile on my face and make me feel at home. The things that make my life unique and wonderful. It’s time I start to remember the things I love.

Faith

Living by faith is hard. No one ever promised me it would be easy, but I figured that after doing it for awhile you would some how get used to it. I'm finding that I was wrong; it still seems the most unnatural thing for me to do. I have countless stories of God's faithfulness in my life, yet every time I face a new giant I wonder if this might be the time the Lord won't pull through. I want things that I can touch and feel; things like concrete plans and balanced budgets, I want numbers to be crunched, deadlines to be met and problems to be solved; I want to know exactly where I stand. But for some reason God hasn't been doing what I want lately, He has had the audacity to make me sweat things out. He keeps telling me to trust Him and I answer, "but what if..." He patiently comes back with another "trust me" and I respond with a "how can I know for sure." I get the feeling that I'm asking a foolish question because by the very nature of trust I won't ever know for sure.

My sister called me last week and challenged me to step out in faith and enroll my kids at the school they know and love. I looked into the cost and realized that the giant I was facing was huge, I actually decided that he was too big, and I started to retreat. Apparently in my mind God can do many things, but come up with the cost of tuition was asking too much. Instead of retreating I kept walking forward because I wanted to prove to myself that I believed more of God. I went and got the paper work, Tom filled it out, and we turned in their applications, simply because I didn't want to reduce my God to my budget. I wanted to step out and show myself that I can trust Him. I know that He may not provide for my kids to go to school there, but I needed to stop making my giants bigger than my God. This was a step of faith; and I felt good about it..... that is until today. I was eating lunch when we got a call saying that the school no longer gives discounts to missionaries. I was crushed, I felt sad and sick all at the same time. Sad because I felt like we were rejected by an old friend, like this school that has my love and loyalty didn't reciprocate my feelings. Sick because I felt like I was on my own, with a burden too big for me to bear, and then I remembered my God is bigger. Living by faith is hard because you have to continue to have faith even when your circumstances seem impossible. I had gotten used to having faith for a certain amount of money, but I started to waver once that went up; so today after I took a few huge steps back, I'm once again trying to trust God. Once again trying to believe Him and although He may say no, He is still and always will be bigger than my budget.

Letting Go

Time and distance have a way of overtaking friendship, not that they are lost forever, life has just taken you down different roads. Friendships that played a vital role in my life at one time have been reduced to Christmas cards and sporadic e-mails. I have had friends that I dearly love come in and out of my life so many times that I'm loosing count. When they walk out I'm always left wondering if the pain of seeing them go was worth the time spent with them. I know in my heart that it is; I cherish those moments of talking, eating, shopping, laughing, dancing, but I find myself resentful of the fact that they are now just memories. I know that I can't chase down everyone and make them stay the same, but sometimes I wish I could.

I received a book, in the mail, from a dear friend of mine that I haven't seen in a long time. As I was reading it, crying my eyes out, I realized that what makes this moment so special to me is that I love the giver. I know her even though I haven't seen her in years, I have history and memories with her that I won't ever forget. We are connected by friendship, and tonight as I read that book I realized that time and distance can't take that away. Even though we aren't walking next to each other on our journey right now, I remember a time when we were, and it was sweet.

Thanks for all the memories E, and by the way, I LOVE the book!!!

Change

A new hair cut for Julie. I wanted to go shorter but decided I would do it slowly. Here are some pics of my new do.... Keep in mind I had to take the pictures myself, so they are aren't the best, my hair looks better in person. This is all part of the quest to find fun Julie.

What do you Think?

I am trying to update the look of my blog, but my technical IQ is extremely low, so I just gave up and will try again when I have help. I can, however, push a button and allow my blog to take the form of a pre-made template courtesy of Blogger, so that is exactly what I have done.... viola, a new page, what do you think?

I haven't had time to write about the women's retreat I went on last weekend; with starting a new diet (yes, American food is too good for me to resist), baseball season being in full swing, and trying to keep my kids focused on the last few weeks of school, I have had little time to write. But I don't want to let the experiences I had go left unsaid, so I will finally share my tale.

Last Friday I loaded up with a van full of women and headed for the mountains. I was excited to get away for a few days and relax, but I had no idea the impact those two days would have on my life. The Lord met me there and refreshed my soul, it was a sweet time of seeking the Lord, not only for His direction in my life, but also for His joy. I have been in a very dry period of life; wanting to have passion, but feeling very little. Wanting to have direction, but feeling very lost. Wanting to hear the voice of the Lord, but wondering if he has somehow forgotten me. I have been told I am in Gods waiting room, I HATE waiting, in fact, sometimes I think waiting is a form of torture. People have also told me I need to have patience while I'm waiting; patiently waiting is that even possible?? Seeing as I have no other choice, here I sit in God's waiting room doing my best to patiently wait. Back to the retreat... two things happened during the weekend; the first was that I realized I can still be fun (it has been a long time) and the second was that I conquered fear.

I was talked into going on a high ropes course, I have no idea how this happened, I guess I'm still am a sucker for peer pressure. I was simultaneously crying and shaking as I walked to the beginning of the course; I really thought I was going to run the other way when my turn came to pull my body up the ropes. I was completely surprised when I found myself actually climbing up to the corse (this experience also showed me it's time to start Weight Watchers). For those that don't know what a high ropes corse is, I will describe it from my viewpoint (someone who is extremely afraid of heights) it looks like death by falling. Actually, it looks like extreme suffering for the rest of your life. It was 75 feet up in the air and the goal was to shimmy across wires so that you could come to the end of the corse only to jump off. My name has always been "Much Afraid" just like the character in "Hinds Feet on High Places", I guess I thought my name would never be changed, but this weekend after I completed the corse it changed. I am no longer Much Afraid, I will no longer let fear control my life. Instead I will purposely walk through it no matter how much I want to run the other way. This was the first time that I realized I have a choice with fear. Choosing to not fear doesn't mean I won't feel the emotion, it means that I will CHOOSE to walk through it.

What I loved about the ropes corse is that I am able to exalt God through it; those who know me realize it wasn't me that did it (I have no courage in myself), but rather my Heavenly Father took my hand and gave me the strength and courage to cross something that looked impossible to my human mind. What a lesson this is for me in life; and just like the character in "Hinds Feet on High Places" my name has been changed to "Grace and Glory" because it is only by His Grace that my name changed and it is only for His Glory that is has changed. Praise God!

Teenagers

Is there any other parent of a teenager that feels you can do nothing right? It seems all I do is try to make a 13 year old girl happy and I seem to be failing miserably. My teenager is sweet and doesn't give me the normal attitude associated with the age, but I feel like I'm constantly letting her down. I'm terrible for taking her out of school and home schooling her, this is made worse by the fact that I don't have enough money to put her back in school. I feel like I'm this circus act that constantly has to be on to receive laughs and as soon as I stop performing it's back to the doldrums. I'm tired and I really want her know I'm trying, but I can't make her life happy, at some point she's got to help. Please don't think that my sweet girl is turning into something terrible, that couldn't be further from the truth. I think my sadness stems from the fact that I think I'm failing, I'm somehow not doing enough. Will I ever be free from feeling like I'm failing? A performance based life is a tired life, and quite frankly I'm ready for a rest!

Is That Her????

This is the fun Julie that Lindsay captured on film..... I think it was her last sighting. Anyway here she is, this gave me a hearty chuckle.

Finally

I'm finally writing again..... it has been way too long since I last posted. I can't even justify my absence, except to say I have been overwhelmed with school. I'm probably writing to no one, I would have stopped checking out this blog long ago, but here goes anyway. I have almost completed my first year home schooling. You would think I would feel accomplished, but quite the opposite, I'm constantly questioning whether or not I have done a good job. Will I ever stop being so hard on myself? I think what adds to my frustration is a 13 year old who is constantly letting me know that she wants to go back to school. Am I the only one whose expectations get them into trouble? I had this idea in my mind what home school would be like, that my kids would love it as much as I did. For the first half of the year it was going well, and now it seems we are all ready for it to end. The question is will I do this again next year, and I honestly don't know. I'm ready to be just their mom, instead of playing the double role of parent/teacher. Can kids who have been in school all their life enjoy being home schooled????

Enough about school, I will talk about my quest to find fun Julie. My New Year's resolution was to become fun once again (I think I was fun at one point in my life... long ago). I have been noticing that I have angry wrinkles; do you know how long you have to be angry to actually get permanent frown lines? I'm not sure, but if I were to guess it would be WAY TOO LONG! So far, fun Julie hasn't surfaced, but I, acting on faith, am still searching for her. I imagine her to be young and wistful, full of energy and grace. Quick with a joke or a smile she brightens any room she enters. Children love her, friends want to emulate her, her husband can't wait to get home; to put it plainly she is the life of the party. I know that she exists, not that I have met her, but I have imagined her and let me tell you when she finally emerges you will want to meet her. I will post the next glimpse I get of her.

Limbo

Being in a state of flux is never any fun. I don't know if it is my desire to put down roots and grow in one place that is making this so hard, or if I am just having a hard time because I don't want to go back. Every time I think about going back to Kenya I feel all the energy run out of my body; but I also know that I can't serve the Lord based on feelings alone. He calls us to many things we don't feel like doing. So how do I figure out if I'm making a decision based on feelings or the Lord's will? It all seems a bit confusing to me right now, I feel like the man described in James 1:8 (NAS) "a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways." I desire to not allow my fears, my wants, my pride, and my own self-pity stand in the way of walking down the path the Lord has for me. I can convince myself that any of the above reasons are good, responsible things to listen to, but in the end Jesus didn't play it safe for me; so why is it so hard to take risk for Him?

I am also not wanting to let guilt determine my direction either. Not guilt laid on me by those around me, but rather the guilt that hides inside. The guilt that thinks that I have to go back because it is the harder path, and of course God wants us to take the harder road. I am realizing that this is not truth, if I go back just because of guilt than I'm serving my own conscience and not the Lord. I don't want to do ministry just for ministry sake; I want to follow where the Lord leads and if He isn't leading I don't want to go.

This blog gives you insight into the insanity of my mind. The Bible has so many examples of people that sacrificed their wants and dreams for the Lord. They followed Him with what seems like relative ease (not in life, but in thought), but as I start thinking about them as real flesh and blood humans I realize they struggled every bit as much as I am. We read about Abraham walking up the mountain to sacrifice his only son, God left out the struggle to obey, we just know he walked the road the Lord had for him. I love that the Lord didn't include Abraham's struggle, it shows me that no matter how many times I fall, what is important is getting to the finish line.

Bullet Holes

A few days ago I found out that my house in Kenya now sports bullet holes. Wow, that's something I never expected to hear; as I write this I wonder how I will incorporate them into my decorating? I was thinking of changing my style to more of a gangster motif; I think the bullet holes might lend a unique design flair. All kidding aside, I am truly thankful that I have been in the US during this time. The bullet holes were just a reminder that Kenya is a very unstable place right now, our house just so happens to be at the center of the instability, being in Kisumu. We live among the Lou tribe who are fighting the Kikuyu's for what appears to be a rigged election. The violence in Kisumu has settled down over the past few days, but as we have seen over the past few weeks it takes very little to start a whole new round of violence. It seems with every announcement Kisumu erupts into riots. As I said before we are just waiting to see how everything plays out before we go back. To tell you the truth, I'm a bit nervous to go back into something that in a second can turn violent. Life definitely won't be the same, 80% of the businesses in Kisumu have been looted and burned, and one of our missionaries (that stayed in country) said it looks like a war zone.

As I write this I am struck with the fear of going back; will God truly call me back to all this? The uncertainty is difficult, and being up in the air is a hard way to live. But I know that God was faithful to bring me home during this time and that He will be faithful to protect me if He calls me back. When I first came home I was spiritually beat-up. I was angry at ministry and frustrated with what we as a family were called to do. The time I have spent home has been a gift; a time of refreshing. I feel my strength coming back; and can now see things through a logical lens, instead of a lens of anger.

Loneliness is something I don't think we ever get used to, but looking back at my time in Kenya I realize that most of my growth came through the very thing I hated. It was at times of extreme loneliness that the Lord and I had sweet fellowship, I hate to say it, but I miss that..... (the fellowship, not the loneliness). The problem is the fellowship wouldn't have been as sweet without the loneliness. I'm reading an allegory called, "Hinds Feet on High Places", which has shown me that we seem to grow the most when our companions are sorrow and suffering. No one likes to hear that, and going through it is even harder, but it is when we have come out the other side that we realize sorrow and suffering were not our cross to bear, but rather God given guides to maturity. I stand amazed at a God that can use the hard times to mold broken pots into useful vessels.

Tribal Tension

Our missionaries are in Tanzania now and I for one am relieved that they are out of Kenya. That is all but Steve Warn are out, he is wanting to stay and help out once Kisumu is more stable. It didn't surprise me at all that Steve wanted to stay, he is one of the most self-sacrificing people I have ever met. It has been a long week of trying to coordinate the evacuation of the missionaries at the farm. Tom was up most nights on the phone contacting embassies, the State Department, mission organizations with planes and so forth. My phone was ringing at all hours of the night with people calling from Kenya; needless to say I am tired ( but not as tired as the missionaries in Kenya).

Tonight we had a prayer meeting for Kenya; it was a sweet time of lifting up all our boys, national staff, and missionaries. I have loved hearing all the stories of how God has protected them from harm, we truly serve an amazing God. With all the unrest Tom and I have made the decision to stay here in California for awhile longer. We were suppose to go back to Kenya at the end of this month, but now we are thinking that we need to wait until things are A LOT more stable in order to go back. Both of us agree that we don't want to take our kids back when the situation is so volatile. So, with us staying for awhile I am going to have to hunker down and start home schooling again. Which means tomorrow is the first day back to school; my kids are not excited, they keep asking me if they can go back to Big Valley. Apparently they aren't impressed with my teaching ability; nothing like kids to keep you humble!

Continue to pray for Kenya as the political unrest is calming down, but the racial tension is rising. The people are hungry as the food supply is running low and the supply lines are cut off. Hunger coupled with hatred is creating a dangerous environment. Pray for the tribal tensions and the road blocks to be cleared so food can be brought in.

Kenya

Things are escalating in Kenya and our missionary friends at the farm are being evacuated by helicopter to a more stable village. They called Tom this morning to get GPS coordinates so the helicopter could find them. My heart is breaking for Kenya, I can’t believe this is happening to a country that has been stable for so many years. When this is all said and done I wonder what will be left of the Kenya I know. I praise God that I am here safe and sound, but wish there was something I could do to get the rest of the people I love out. I know that God is bigger than this unrest; but my faith seems so small right now as I’m waiting for all this to be over. I’m nervous for those I love that are stranded in Kenya right now; I’m nervous for the boys at Agape, and for all the innocent Kenyans that are fearing for their lives. Please join me in prayer for this country that so desperately needs Jesus.