Being in a state of flux is never any fun. I don't know if it is my desire to put down roots and grow in one place that is making this so hard, or if I am just having a hard time because I don't want to go back. Every time I think about going back to Kenya I feel all the energy run out of my body; but I also know that I can't serve the Lord based on feelings alone. He calls us to many things we don't feel like doing. So how do I figure out if I'm making a decision based on feelings or the Lord's will? It all seems a bit confusing to me right now, I feel like the man described in James 1:8 (NAS) "a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways." I desire to not allow my fears, my wants, my pride, and my own self-pity stand in the way of walking down the path the Lord has for me. I can convince myself that any of the above reasons are good, responsible things to listen to, but in the end Jesus didn't play it safe for me; so why is it so hard to take risk for Him?
I am also not wanting to let guilt determine my direction either. Not guilt laid on me by those around me, but rather the guilt that hides inside. The guilt that thinks that I have to go back because it is the harder path, and of course God wants us to take the harder road. I am realizing that this is not truth, if I go back just because of guilt than I'm serving my own conscience and not the Lord. I don't want to do ministry just for ministry sake; I want to follow where the Lord leads and if He isn't leading I don't want to go.
This blog gives you insight into the insanity of my mind. The Bible has so many examples of people that sacrificed their wants and dreams for the Lord. They followed Him with what seems like relative ease (not in life, but in thought), but as I start thinking about them as real flesh and blood humans I realize they struggled every bit as much as I am. We read about Abraham walking up the mountain to sacrifice his only son, God left out the struggle to obey, we just know he walked the road the Lord had for him. I love that the Lord didn't include Abraham's struggle, it shows me that no matter how many times I fall, what is important is getting to the finish line.
5 comments:
Julie,
My prayers are with you and your struggle. I cannot give you any advice as I have never been in such a difficult position. I know though, that God is an understanding, caring and wonderful God. He has a plan for you and knows what is good for you and what isn't good for you. He also knows the struggle that you are going through and I believe that He will show you the way. He does NOT want you to be scared, sad, or ill just thinking about going back to Kisumu. I am sure He wants you to be excited and anxious to get back to work. Perhaps that is not the area where he wants you to be. Trust in Him. Only God knows what is right for you!
God Bless You!
Guilt is an amazing emotion... you're a wise woman to identify it, and allow the Lord to continue to pick you up and carry you through this journey. Regardless of where you "end up," it's awesome that God will be glorified throughout the journey. Still praying for all of you!
so...just b/c now you're a stay-at-home-missionary like me doesn't mean you need to stop blogging....i'm just saying...
I don't want you to go back to Africa...
kyle
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